Things are slow back at casa de Coz these days, and I'm not sure why. I had that big kick of motivation a ways back, and it's all gone to hell. For a while, I was letting some things slide, but held on to the notion that at least I was still working out three times a week. Now that's gone, too, rationalized as a break for the holidays. I haven't worked out on my practice pad forever, and it's showing in my playing. Last night's Foxide rehearsal was not reassuring at all. I mean, I can play the parts, and I know what I'm doing, but it's not, if you'll excuse a gratuitous hipster-sounding term, happening.

If I were to think hard about it, the obvious culprit would be the paralysis that comes from uncertainty. I still haven't fully committed to life as a musician, as there are several job opportunities that might pan out in the near future. So I wind up treading lightly anywhere and everywhere, so that I'm "ready" when the time comes. In the larger scale, I'm still poised to go either way here, except for the annoying atrophy in my drumming, but that's still on a level that most people aren't going to notice. I also realized last night that I'm really not stretching out on drums any more, and I think that has a psychological toll. I show up to practices or gigs, play my parts, and go home. It's not completely boring, but I'm not tapping into my creative side as much as I'd like, and it's been that way for far too long. Which, on some level, is why a day job would help, as that would open the financial door to getting a dedicated rehearsal space again. And if I can persuade both the Lindsie band and Foxide to use it, I can mutate my old Pearl kit into something a bit more like Bill Bruford's kit from King Crimson in the 80s.

That's been one happy part of the last month or two, as just changing the heads on those old drums have breathed some life into them. They sounded like unmitigated crap in Derek's basement, back in the URT days, but that was apparently due to the wrong kinds of head on the toms and just a really old head on the kick drum. Switching from single-ply coated heads to Pinstripes and then putting one of the more "controlled" sets of bass drum heads on made a huge difference. Action on the kick is still a little weird, which, when compounded by the abject lack of practice with my feet, makes things a bit rough at times, but I'll get it back.

That's the main reason I'm not really that worried about this recent lack of turning of events. It will change. I know this, because it always does. I'll get lethargic, embracing inertia when it asserts itself in my life, until it bothers me. Then I'll find my motivation and get back into the swing of things. Hey, I'm just as predictable as anyone else.