NP: King Crimson, Frame by Frame (CD)

Had a bit of an epiphany this morning, as I tried to figure out why I'm not exactly the most enthralling first date. Not necessarily bad, but I could certainly be better. Would you be surprised if I tied that into a larger pattern of behavior? I didn't think so.

I remember getting criticized for one of my radio play-by-play stints last year by a Columbus Crew fan, who said I sounded like I was calling a funeral. First off, that particular game was a funeral, as the Fire crashed and burned out of the playoffs. But I'm at the point now where I look to any criticism for a kernel of truth, and my rationale for perhaps not being the most scintillating announcer was, and still is, that I'd much rather be right than entertaining. Or, I need to be accurate before I can be enthusiastic.

Which applies to a lot of things. Travel, for one. When in a new city for the first time, I'll typically just walk around a bit, and not do anything, sometimes for the duration of the entire visit. Then, the next time I'm there, I'll feel comfortable enough with the lay of the land that I'll explore a lot more.

There's a great passage in this book I lent out to a friend on complexity theory that addresses this sort of approach. The notion is that you "study" a system until you learn how to effectively nudge it into doing what you want it to do. Unfortunately, this can be a largely dispassionate process, as the friend I lent said book to found out when I was in what we'll call a severely altered state for the first time. She said I looked miserable, but I was just trying to take it all in. I need to get that book back.

Anyway, that sense of detachment when I acclimate to some new context can't possibly translate well to interpersonal relationships. I've been noticing it more and more through the job search, where I tend to focus on what's directly in my control, and that is trying to convey an accurate sense of who I am. What that ignores is the other side of the equation, that I have to make the interviewer want to hire me, to understand that not only am I "me," but I'm the right person for the job, and I'm just not terribly sensitive to that.

Moving on to the obvious parallel in social situations, I still find myself wrapped up in just trying to "be myself." Yeah, on some level, that's okay, as I wouldn't want to work for anyone or be friends with anyone or date anyone who wasn't comfortable with who I am, but there's a backwards notion of just wanting somebody to not dislike me. That's just not enough, certainly back in the job interview scenario. This is probably why I have many quasi-friends and not a lot of close friends. This is probably why I feel like someone needs to get to know me before something serious can start. It's more that I need to get to know them, so I'm comfortable enough to take more risks, to explore the terrain.

Circumstances are likely going to dictate (and perhaps are already dictating) that I'll have to take more risks if I want to get results, so this is something I'm going to have to deal with.